


falling

by justasuperfan



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Demiboy Zuko, Gay Zuko (Avatar), Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, One-Sided Attraction, Poetry, Self-Hatred, Transphobia, only internal tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:35:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28002498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justasuperfan/pseuds/justasuperfan
Summary: zuko...isn’t okay
Relationships: Iroh & Zuko (Avatar), Sokka & Zuko (Avatar), implied Sokka/Zuko (Avatar) - Relationship
Comments: 10
Kudos: 54





	falling

**Author's Note:**

> just some self-projection. sorry it’s short, and trashy, and unfinished, but i just can’t finish it
> 
> VERY HEAVY TOPICS!!! STAY SAFE!!!
> 
> TW: internalized transphobia, internalized homophobia, swearing (don’t normally tag that as a tw but there’s a lot in a row here), referenced suicide and self-harm, mental breakdown, referenced depressive episode

Zuko was missing. He was missing, and Sokka was in the fire nation.

The guards did report strange behavior from him, but nothing drastic. Just less sleep, mire writing, less talking than usual. They said from time to time he disappeared and was found at the mental hospital or sitting by the pond, but that was normal. He was grieving his old life, and that was okay. 

What was strange was that he wasn’t in either of those places, the guards had urgently sent a messenger hawk to the water tribe, and Zuko was still missing even once Sokka and Katara arrived.

The only clues they had regarding his disappearance were the papers sitting neatly on the firelord’s bed.

Sokka picked up one of the papers in shaking hands. It was thick, standard fire nation paper. A creamy color and stained with the piercing black ink strokes of Zuko’s refined handwriting. The boy’s heart sank to his feet when he began to read. What the hell had happened?

_I don’t feel like myself.  
Maybe I was never anyone.  
I’m only here to run my nation  
Not to live._

_I’m only surviving  
And that only barely.  
I’ve never been alive  
Just a shell of someone who was supposed to live._

_And every day it’s harder.  
They’re all gone  
And even if they were here  
They hate me anyways._

_I’m just alone  
And scared  
I was never made for this position  
I was raised in a living hell_

_I never escaped that hell  
i’m all alone  
afraid  
help_

_please help  
i cant do it anymore  
it just keeps getting worse  
please comeback_

_uncle  
can you hear me  
can anyone  
has anyone ever heard me_

_im not myself  
im not who i was raised to be  
why cant they love me  
why cant i love me_

_agni help  
please  
help  
help me_

The paper drifted from Sokka’s hands and fell to the ground. Where was Zuko? Where the _fuck_ was Zuko? What if he was dead?

A tear fell. And another. 

He picked up the next paper, from a much later date.

_fuck  
shit  
fuck  
i like him_

_thats not me  
no  
im my fathers son  
i look like him_

_i am him  
fuck  
im scared  
its dark_

_fuck  
im alone  
come back  
i _like _him  
i _love _him_

_im not supposed to  
agni hates me  
fuck  
this isnt normal  
im in love  
with a boy  
sokka  
fuck  
i love you  
i love him  
shit  
i cant  
do that  
i cant  
lovehim  
fuck  
fuckfuckfuckfuck_

Wait, what? Zuko was...in love with Sokka? 

_someone said they and i liked it  
im a boy  
i dont use they  
whats wrong with me  
im a boy  
im a boy  
my name is zuko  
i asked them to use ren  
fuck  
whyd i ask that  
why the hell did i ask that  
my name is zuko  
not ren  
im zuko  
a straight man  
who runs the fire nation  
FUCK  
im a boy  
a man  
it makes me  
uncomfortable  
to be anything else  
so why do i feel like that  
why the fuck do i_

And the letter just cut off. It might’ve been his imagination, but Sokka heard faint sobs in the back of his mind. From Zuko. Or Ren. Whichever he/they preferred when or if he/they came out to Sokka. He/they was/were in love with Sokka, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He shouldn’t have read those letters.

Sokka was scared.

…

“Mr. Sokka! I’ve found him!” A guard shouted from across the courtyard. Sokka’s heart stopped as he ran over, expecting the absolute worst.

But what he found was the firelord, wrapped in a green blanket and trudging alongside Uncle Iroh.

“Zuko!” Sokka ran forward and stopped just short of a hug, remembering Zuko didn’t like physical touch. “Are you okay, buddy?” He asked, quieter. This was the boy—person, he corrected—who was in love with Sokka. He swallowed. Zuko’s eyes were red-rimmed and dark. He was shaking.

Iroh placed a hand on his nephew’s shoulder. “Zuko just came to stay in my rented house on the beach for a while. I hope that’s okay. He should’ve told someone, but we can’t blame him.”

Sokka stared at Zuko’s pale, small form. Why was he so much smaller than before? “Sorry.” The firelord mumbled. He looked pathetic, and Sokka hated it.

“It’s okay, Zuko. Do you need to talk?”

He shook his head.

Sokka remembered the letters. He had to be there for his friend if he was slowly descending to a very bad place. 

But what could he even do?

**Author's Note:**

> i witnessed a full-blown panic attack and ongoing depressive episode from one of my friends this weekend. another one came out, which sparked up gender questioning for me again. that hasn’t happened since april, one of my worst months. it’s been hard lately. i don’t feel cis and i feel comfortable with they/them pronouns, but my family and friends would never accept me. i feel so comfortable with those pronouns, but then i remember the rest of the world and just break. sorry for this. i had to put it somewhere


End file.
